OK. How did I get off track here? And what I mean by that is… how did I gain so much weight? UGH!! AHHH!

It starts with:

“My jeans have shrunk. I think I’ll stick to sweats… every day.”

“My mirrors are off.”  “I’m bloated”

And then, my C section scar starts to look like a distant patio under an awning of pale pillows.

And now it’s time to admit, I’ve gained a lot of weight. And I feel kind of gross. And I can’t wear most of my clothes.

The annoying part is, I don’t even feel like I’ve been eating that much!! I haven’t been exercising, that’s for sure (searching for small toys isn’t burning many calories, I guess.)

And now, it’s time. But I don’t believe in diets or juice fasts or any fasts… I believe in clean, healthy eating and exercise and water. I’ve found a fantastic plan that is so healthy and doable, I’m actually excited (I won’t bore you with details unless you are interested… message me if you want to know I’m doing this with a friend. I’ve never really done the buddy system in this way before, but we will be emailing and checking in…. wanna join me?? :)

So today, it starts. The health. The drinking more water. The finding a way to get 30 minutes of exercise a day, even if it means jogging in place while S naps. It’s happening! AND NOT JUST SO I WILL LOOK GOOD, but so I’m healthier and feel better. MORE ENERGY to look for Small Toys.

I took some before photos… which I WILL NOT SHARE WITH YOU GUYS!!! (OK, maybe when I get a good after photo in a few months)

So that’s it!

Posted in MOM STUFF, OFF TOPIC | Tagged , , , , , , | 10 Comments


For my 200th post I thought I’d write a little reflection piece…

Blogging here has allowed me to connect with other mom solos all over the world. At a time when I felt so alone and so scared (even though I was 100% sure I wanted to become a mom solo) I wish I had known these moms existed back when I was trying for my baby.

That’s why I felt the need to blog… to reach other mom solos and mom solos to be.

I think a lot about coupling. What is it? What does it mean and why don’t I crave it? Why, in all my years of dating, didn’t I fall in love or find the one. Did I even want to?

I feel so happy now, in this time of my life. Whenever I meet a 37 year old who is talking about going on another dreaded date, I can’t help myself, “Just have a baby!” I say, forgetting the emotional journey I took to rid myself of the conventional family ideas. “Forget the dating! Have the baby!”

And yet… maybe I shouldn’t give that advice. I see so many women find the one at age 40, 41, 42, 43, 44… and they are pregnant within the year.  And then, I wonder. I’m not judging. Just wondering…. what is that relationship all about? Is it a better relationship since she is older and really knows what she wants? Is it a desperate time’s running out, this guy will do? Is it just a thank god I’m not going to be single and 40?

At age 38, you are looking for something so different then you were at age 28. And I think at 42, you are looking for something even more different… wanting a baby can do powerful things to a woman.

When I was 28, I wanted to marry the hottest, most fun guy I could possibly find and I wanted to take my time finding him – that guy who really deserved me.  When I was 38, I just wanted to find a nice guy who wanted a family. I felt a nagging pit in my stomach every day I wasn’t on my way to baby makes 3.

I found myself dating three guys before I turned 40. One guy 15 years older, one my age and one 11 years younger!  Here’s what they all had in common:

1. Unable to be intimate. Yes, I mean they all had sexual issues!!!

2. Unable to open up emotionally.

3. Very attractive. Charming. Had lots of friends. Great first few dates.

4. Substance abuse.

I realized I was desperate when I was obsessed with trying to make each one of these relationships work – even though they made me miserable. Should I keep waiting for the right guy? HOw long should I wait? one more year? Two, three? What if I get pregnant and then don’t go on that one special jdate? Should I really believe the people who say “don’t worry, you’ll find someone.” or “the right guy’s around the corner.” And then… it wasn’t until I really said to myself, if I don’t find true love, I WILL do this on my own, that I relaxed and let go.

So, this is why I just wonder… every time I see a 40, 41, 42, 43 year old woman find the love of her life, marry and have a baby, like all in a flash… I just wonder – what is it? Is it really the “Oh my God, we found each other and it’s true love, thank GOD I didn’t marry someone else when I was in my 30′s!” Or is is, “we both want the same things at the same time and we love each other and it’s gonna work” or is it “I NEVER would have given this guy a second look 20 years ago, but here we are, gonna make a family, with no time to spare.”

There was some funny quote from a movie or TV show… I can’t remember – if you know, tell me, but it was a bald, sort of average looking guy saying that he never dated much in college but as soon as he hit his 40′s he became hot property to all the still single women from school who never gave him a second look.

One guy I met on line gave me insight to the way a man thinks when he sees the age 38 + wants children on an on line profile…

I  just get so curious about these in the nick of time relationships. Because I didn’t have one.

I don’t know the answers and it doesn’t matter to me. I know I made the right choice for myself.




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We have so many awesome toys here at our house; hand me downs, gifts, purchases… and yet, I can’t seem to get Spenser to play with them. But when we are at a store, he always wants to buy something new. Plus, at other people’s houses, he plays with their toys!!

Well… I’ve found the solution.

1. Put your child’s toys in a box, out of the way, like behind the couch so he has to climb to get to it. 2. Tell him that you are giving these things to other children who might really enjoy playing with them.

That’s it.


Just say:

1. We are late, let’s go.


2. Time for bed.

Problem solved!!!!


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When I was little I played with Barbies, and I was always losing their tiny shoes

When I used to babysit (which I did for many many years in my 20′s and 30′s) the girls played with Polly Pockets, which were about 1/3 of the size of Barbies… and their shoes were too. I used to be horrified at the teensy tiny accessories the little girls would play with – I mean, almost too mini to even SEE let alone play with!! But the girls LOVED their Polly Pockets – boxes and boxes of these small things with their sunflower seed sized shoes! Oh God! I’d never have Polly Pockets for my kid!!

And now…. My home is full of small things. BUT, not the tiniest things yet, because those are still a choking hazard, but things small enough to get lost… in my not very spacious home.

There have been a few important small things, gone missing, namely one of these guys; a special beloved gift from Dan:



The one with the green sunglasses on his head… his name is Sue 2 (Dan named him, thinking he was a girl) and he is just gone! He’s got to be somewhere in our house! But, I can’t help but think (now that I’ve seen Toy Story 100 times) that he was missing his toy family or upset with his girl name or unhappy with his storage placement and got up and walked away, trying to get to Hawaii for real.

There’s something that happens to me when a special small toy gets lost… I feel like I’ve failed. Why can’t I keep track of everything??? My home is crowded, but not disorganized! Did it slide under the bed? Is it behind a night stand? Was it thrown in a drawer? I mean…. IT CAN DRIVE YOU CRAZY!!!!!

All the little figurines and cars and things that S decides he’s bringing with him as we leave for the day, have a 50/50 chance of returning home. “I’m bringing the yellow car,” he announces to me, and I pay attention. I know I’m in charge of it. I must always look for it and pick it up off the seat of the booth in the restaurant and I must find it on the train table at a friends’ house. This is why, when the yellow car doesn’t make it back home… I blame myself. It hurts.

I know, there are lessons in losing things. But not yet! I still don’t want to ever let my boy down. I want to make it run smoothly for him while I can. There are enough things beyond my control to throw off the delicate balance of life. Can’t I be the amazing little toy tracker? Can’t I save the day a little longer?

Sue 2, if you are out there… please come home. You are the bane of my existence. Mahalo.


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Everything here you can order on line!!


I referred to Egyptian Magic in my post about the eye cream guy. If this stuff is good enough for Madonna it’s good enough for me! It’s super natural and moisturizing. I’ve used it for about 5 months now and I think it’s actually made my skin look better – without all the lifting and firming promises I usually want in a moisturizer.


And, it’s so natural I can put it on Spenser if he has a rash or any dryness. You can watch the video on the website. I have bought it at Whole Foods for $42 – it lasts for 4 months. This seems to be a great price here.

I wish I got commission on this, because I do think, if you do try it you’ll be hooked!


I discovered these because my friend had them.  She’d been giving her son Juice Plus since he was one. She sprinkled the capsules in his food or drink… but they have GUMMIES for kids now, which Spenser loves because they are delicious! We call them “Healthy Gummies” so he doesn’t think he can just have any old gummies everyday!


Juice Plus Gummies (and capsules, which I take) are purely large portions of fruits and vegetables. That’s it. It’s not a vitamin – it’s considered a whole food. It’s as if Spenser and I are eating 9 servings of fruit and 9 servings of veggies a day – I wish… but I’m lucky if the boy eats one baby carrot and a few pieces of broccoli. He’s liking Persian cucumbers these days… but they aren’t the most nutritious.

Anyway, At this age, most kids love their bread products – toast, crackers, pasta, pizza, quesadilla etc. It’s hard not to stress out at night when you start realizing all your child actually consumed were flour products, despite your best efforts. And then I realized – Hey, I’m not eating enough fruit and vegetables either! (Embarrassed to say, I’m NOT a big fruit fan in general. I have to force myself.) I love not being freaked about missing nutrition… because Spenser and I have the Juice Plus!

It’s worth the money to me… because I think about the piles of fruits and veggies that go bad and slimy in my fridge, the containers of strawberries and blueberries that ferment in my purse all day as I offer and get rejected, the dinner plates I try to save in the fridge that dry out… Actually, I get the gummies free when I buy my own capsules, as part of a children’s health study! I can’t help but think this is a good deal - Because Juice Plus gummies get eaten!! And, the thing I can’t afford to be thrifty about… is health.



Do you ever wonder which mascara is the best? Do you ever feel like because you just buy the cheap drugstore kind that you are missing out on something great? Well wonder no more!! Here’s Give me Some Lash! (OMG – I think I’d be good at writing commercials!)

007You get to try all the best sellers. They make these samplers for perfume and skin care too. This makes a GREAT GIFT!!! I got it as a gift and clearly, it was a huge hit! My faves right now are the Buxom Lash and the Yves Saint Laurent. I also like the Josie Maran line – all natural products made with Argon oil!



Yes, these are the Costco diapers by Kirkland. They are super cheap, which is why I tried them – about $35 for more than 200 diapers.



At the hospital they gave me Pampers Swaddlers which I LOVED because they are SO soft! They are about $10 for 30 diapers.

So, when I realized what a great deal the Kirkland diapers were, I made the switch. I always felt a little guilty about it… shouldn’t I be giving my baby the BEST? Shouldn’t he get the soft Pampers Swaddlers or, what I really wanted, were the Jessica Alba Honest Company diapers $14 for about 30. I wanted all of her products that boast HONESTY and natural everything and make you feel like you are a wealthy celebrity, in the know. I wanted that. I wanted people to see Spenser in the special HONEST printed diapers and know I was one of those GOOD moms.

One day, I was with a few friends and their babies and I was changing Spenser into a fresh Kirkland Costco diaper.

“What kind of diaper is that?” asked a mom, who’s son wore a skull print Jessica Alba diaper.

“It’s Costco,” I said.

“Hahaha! Hahaha!!” The mom laughed. Did she think I was joking?

I don’t know why she laughed. I will tell you that it FELT like she laughed because she thought I was cheap. It FELT like she laughed because she and her husband bought the really good diapers for their child, while I was the single mom who had to go for the bargain brand and wasn’t that hilarious?

I’m sure that it wasn’t her intention, to make me feel bad. I don’t know why she laughed like that. It took me a long time to not feel hurt by that… and of course, I knew (even at the time) that she just pushed my button of feelings of inadequacy.

Every time I ran out of my Kirkland diapers, before my sister got to Costco again (yes, my sister got them for me) I’d run to the market (secretly happily) and buy Pampers Swaddlers, or Seventh Generation and then, when Honest diapers came to Whole Foods, I’d buy a pack of those.

What I discovered was, I actually preferred the Kirkland diapers. The Pampers Swaddlers and Seventh Generation diapers got very saggy very fast and made a huge bulky load on the tush. The Honest diapers leaked and would actually FALL OFF while we were out and about.

The Kirkland/Costco diapers fit perfectly. Never sagged, never fell off. They held strong and sturdy and never leaked (maybe because they are French.)


I’m looking for a GREAT BATHMAT that you love.We have one from IKEA that is so uncomfortable! Please share a bathmat you love with me! Thanks!!

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I found myself hiding in the stairwell. But to make it seem like I wasn’t hiding, I offered S another strawberry. He said “sure.” Good, that took up a minute. Then I offered him some water.  I knew I was stalling until the other moms drove away. I just didn’t want S to know I was stalling.

I hated to admit it… I didn’t want the other moms to see my car.

I know! It’s so dumb!! It’s dumb, right?

I know that I don’t want to be friends with anyone who would care what kind of car I have…  but we are talking about a first impression here.

You understand. Right?

When the new moms get to know me after a few weeks they will love me!! I tell myself. When they get to know Spenser, the kids will love him. We will fit in!

This is crazy. I’ve never been so nervous to meet people in my life! But… I’ve never been unconventional before. Choosing to become a single mom was a very easy choice for me, but it put me in a new category. I’ve always been… well, conventional. Very normal. And, what mom doesn’t want her child to fit in… I guess these feelings are normal – I’ve just never really had them before. I used to be so confidant.

Maybe they will see me as the cool artist who had a baby on her own and makes it work… somehow!

Maybe they will see me as someone who has followed her passion and made big choices.

Maybe I’ll be the hipster (I know, that’s pushing it) who couldn’t be bothered with things like cars or jewels – just because she doesn’t need them.

Maybe they will not even care about my car. Maybe they won’t even notice that I don’t have a Lexus SUV or a Mercedes station-wagon. Why do I even notice? (because I want that?)

I NEVER cared about my old car before I became a mom.

Clearly, all of these strange feeling coming up in me are about something else. They are about me. If I had a partner to share this with would I feel more confidant? Maybe. I don’t know. Would it be easier being the married mom with an old car? Ha!

As I try to make enough money to buy a new car (my car turns 13 in June) and pay my bills, I will also work on my self confidence.

I must remember how happy I am. My life is what I chose and I adore it. My car works and I’m lucky to have it. My son is amazing and I got to be a mom… without having a conventional family. Without a husband. I’m so lucky.

People like me for who I am, not what kind of car I drive. I will tell myself everyday.

Life is so funny. I guess I’d always hoped by the time I got to this point in my life, I’d be financially stable. I guess the car shame is about that.

ALSO – I’m going to try to give the new moms credit. I mean, I don’t know them either. So I’m judging that just because they have fancy cars, they are judgmental! Sorry, new moms, who don’t even know I blog!

Just be myself. Just be myself….  Why do I feel more nervous than I did in high school?

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1. The Mother in Cat in The Hat! How do I know she’s single?

Here’s Mother’s bed!



She’s maybe not the most developed character or positive role model. I mean besides her nice polka dot dress and the fact that she has a yummy, pink cake around the house all we know is that she works and has a gold fish for a babysitter.


2. Andy’s mom in the Toy Story movies!

andy's mom

We watch this trilogy over and over and I can’t tell you how much I love that Andy has a great, loving single mom. I also love that it’s not the focal point of the story. In fact, it’s not even talked about. It just IS. It’s one of those happy surprises.

On line, there are tons of theories as to why she’s single… divorced, abandoned, widowed, husband had an affair with the neighbor (hmmm, does Sid the neighbor kid look like Andy?)

The on line chatter says the  home is filled with photos – none are of a father which means that Andy’s mom is angry (No one suggests she went to a sperm bank.) Then, on line fans write about the fact that Andy’s mom moves the family to a smaller house. This one is a good example of where people go. The reader comments are great. One person suggests Andy’s mom was a Mom Solo with a sperm donor… there are lots of crazy theories here!!

It’s so funny – I always assumed they were moving to a bigger house so Molly could have her own room and I think I’m right! In Toy Story 3 Molly and Andy clearly have their own rooms. I think the Toy Story bloggers aren’t giving Andy’s mom enough credit!!!!

andys mom

Here’s a great article about Andy’s mom being single – with an interview with one of the directors of the movie.



Do you know of any more popular children’s stories with a single mom?

How about any stories with a Mom Solo!?

Posted in MOM STUFF, SOLO STUFF | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment


It was Valentine’s Day.


I went to work on a dusty ranch and bought Spenser. The sun was blazing hot and though we were slathered in sun screen, I got some color; I’m always worried about a crepey decolletage. As a Valentine’s Day gift, production got us an ice cream truck. Yes, I was a little surprised at how handsome the man who asked for our order was… S ordered a chocolate ice cream cone with sprinkles. (the story of the handsome ice cream man ends here.)

We were sweaty, dirty and windblown by the time we left, late afternoon. And I was covered with more chocolate ice cream than my son. Traffic kept us in the car for over an hour and S fell asleep.  When S woke up we were near the mall. He was cranky and restless and I was sick of driving. I hadn’t bought him a Valentine’s gift yet. My mother had always bought us gifts. I wanted to do that too. “Wanna go home or to the mall?” I asked, knowing my boy would say the mall…

My plan was to go to the toy store and buy him some little figurine he wanted and then go home for dinner. I knew I might be tempted to eat out at the mall (and drop another $20) so I made a home dinner plan in my head. I was stressing a little about the added expense on my credit card. I could keep the gift under $20, I was pretty sure.

We walked through the outdoor mall as cool breezes tried to refresh us from our long, hot day. We pointed at stores and talked about the times we’d been here before.

On the way to the toy store, a man handed me a moisturizer sample from a skin care store I’d neither seen nor heard of. “For you,” he said. “Happy Valentine’s Day.”

“Me?” I asked, feeling so gross and tired from sun and dirt and… mommy-ing, that I was surprised I was worthy of the sample.  The man nodded and I walked towards him to take my offering. As I walked closer, another man swooped in. He was very tall, dark and handsome.

“May I show you another sample?” the new handsome guy asked with an accent, already guiding me into the store.

OK. I know this drill. I know this routine. I know the hard sell and I know how to say NO! I know how to get out in time and how to stay closed off. But I like samples. I could just go in and see what this was all about, get another sample and leave. Spenser is my get out card. No problem.

The handsome man led me to a chair in a well but softly lit room. I sat down with Spenser on my lap as the handsome man talked fast. He went on and on about my aging skin and the dryness and collagen and stem cells in this cream.  He dabbed a tiny amount of cream on his long, masculine fingers and then massaged my under eyes.

When I say massaged my under eyes, I can’t quite explain how this small gesture felt. Though the touch was very light, I felt embraced and relaxed thorough my whole body. The hard sell continued and I didn’t care. “What kind of skin care do you use now?” He asked in his accent from somewhere.

I really couldn’t think clearly. He was still touching my face so gently and yet so assuredly. It felt so good. I felt fuzzy. “Um, I just use… Egyptian Magic.”

I haven’t bought real skin care in maybe 5 years. My sister gives me some sometimes, but I’ve been so keenly aware of harsh chemicals and EWG approved products (and yes, because I don’t ever spend money on myself anymore- except an occasional haircut) I’ve been using things like Trader Joe’s $5.99 coconut oil, Argan oil and Egyptian Magic which is a combo of olive oil, bee wax and royal jelly. And yes, I’ve noticed my eye area is really aging. Am I crow’s feeting, sagging and puffing more rapidly because I’m getting older or would I be getting the same results if I’d been using my old products?

022 (1)

I used to use ReVive. One jar of moisturizer would cost as much as $250. I swore by it. But this was when I wasn’t buying diapers and paying for two health insurances and the occasional Valentine’s Day figurine.

The handsome man nodded at my skin care routine, but didn’t say anything too judgey. He continued to gently caress my under eyes and the the meat of my eye apples, as he said in a strange yet raw way. “Where are you from?” he asked as he smoothed in the cream.” He listened and smiled and told me how he was new to the area but really loved it here.

I felt cooler and cleaner with every stroke of his strong, soft finger.  The handsome man pulled back to look at me. “Wow,” he said.

My whole body just melted into my chair.

“Wow,” he said again.

It wasn’t a normal Wow your skin looks great. It was soft and gentle – it was an intimate Wow. It was a Wow, you are so beautiful. It was a Wow, I see deep into your soul. Wow, I could make love to you all night. OK. Well. It wasn’t weird or sexual… it just felt appreciative. He handed me a mirror. “Look, look at the difference.”

I still saw my deep lines.

“Don’t make any expression. You can see the results better if you don’t make expression.”

Well, duh, I thought. Spenser wiggled off of my lap and went to look at the lovely fountain with rocks against the wall.


I was back to reality. Handsome eye cream man was selling me stuff – he was good at it and I wasn’t going to buy it! I had to get up and leave and go buy Spenser’s little figurine!

“Watch how it works on your mouth lines,” he said, gently caressing my cheek. His touch made all thoughts leave my head.


I was putty again. What was wrong with me? Were they blasting Xanax though the vents?


Spenser threw a rock in the fountain. Everybody looked. I didn’t even care. Let the kid have fun. Keep rubbing my face, Sir.

“Wow,” handsome man said again… in that way, looking at my smile lines. It was a short, quiet Wow, almost like his breath was taken away. “The lines are just vanishing, see.” He held the mirror close to my face again. “Don’t make any expression.”

Now, for some reason, this time I started to see how this stuff was instantly making me look amazing. It was like he was airbrushing me… that or I was being brainwashed.

Handsome eye cream man was swarthy and stood at about 6’3″ with a perfect build; slender and strong. He was dressed in a nice clean white shirt, with the top button open. His boots looked expensive. He smelled ever so slightly of cigarettes – not in a strong offensive way, but just enough that I imagined he was out drinking and clubbing the night before.  His eyebrows were waxed and trimmed (much neater than mine) and his skin, was smooth and flawless, of course. But his teeth… F’d up. Most notably one front bottom tooth stuck up about half a tooth taller than the rest.  I guess it gave him character. I couldn’t stop staring at the tooth as he wiped more creams on me.

Spenser came back and go onto my lap.

“And when you get these,” Handsome eye cream man said of the products, “I will throw in this exfoliating cleanser.” Now he was rubbing my arms with sh*t. I really didn’t even know what it was. I didn’t care. I wasn’t really listening. I knew I wasn’t buying it so I was just going to enjoy. The effect was almost as good as a full body massage.

I became self conscious of my arm hair as Handsome  moved my arms.  Then he put his hand behind Spenser, just in case there was a loss of balance, just to make sure Spenser didn’t fall. Well, I wasn’t going to buy this stuff from him, but maybe I loved him.

“So, let me tell you about the price,” my new boyfriend said, like the super speedy salesman he was. He rattled off a lot of things that weren’t numbers like: organic so there’s no shelf life, lasts two years, throw this in for free, ingredients like LaMer, amazing results, I want you to have it… he went on


Get up now! I told myself. Walk out! Say Spenser is starving! NOW IS YOUR CHANCE… MOVE! Why is Spenser being so patient?

But I didn’t move. Oh, God. I kind of wanted to buy this stuff! I kind of needed it! It was going to erase and lift my eye lines and puffiness. I’ve been waiting for this…

“Usually $400 for each…” I heard him say. But before I could react he added, “but I’m going to offer them to you today for $400 for both.”

I was too relaxed to say Spenser is starving, or Spenser has a big load in his diaper or whatever excuse I could pin on him. I didn’t need an excuse. “I can’t. I really can’t afford that,” I said calmly and honestly. I stood up as he showed me more free things he’d throw in.

I hugged my amazing child who was calmly waiting to go get his Valentine’s gift.

“I understand,” he said, and continued to talk about what a great deal it was and how I would look so amazing if I was using it and how it would last 2 years so it was a great value. Strangely, he didn’t lose his cool nor did he ever get obnoxiously pushy. I mean, don’t get me wrong, he was SUPER pushy… but in such a soft, calm, gentle way. Maybe because he also listened to me. He never talked over me and he really made all his sales pitches seem like he was just thinking of them after listening to me.

“I really can’t,” I heard myself say. “I’m a single mom.”

“Oh,” he said in the same tone as Wow…. like a deep, understanding and appreciation of my strength and beauty. There was a slight flash in his eyes (or so I imagined) and I think he was moved. Was he raised by a single mom? Was I just too far gone into handsome eye cream man world?

“I’m going to give you this at my cost,” he said, sotto voce… “Now I mean it. This is my cost. They would be really mad at me if they knew I was doing this for you, so don’t tell anyone I’m giving you this price.” He opened the cash register and pulled out a Visa receipt. It was for an $800 sale of two $400 creams, thus PROVING that he was giving me the mother of all deals.  “I’m not joking here,” he told me. “This is what we sell it for. And I’m going to give you these for $200, for both of them. I’m serious, you can’t tell anyone I gave you this price. They sell for $800. Will it be cash or credit?”

Wait Wait Wait. I was still too relaxed (maybe tired is what I really mean to say). I was alert enough to know that $200 for two large eye creams wasn’t that big of a rip off… if the product is good.

I wanted to buy them. I really did. But why? Was it the hard sell? Was I brainwashed? I had never heard of these products or seen them before! What if they were made from glue or what if it was just Ponds cold cream… how did I know anything. What if it had tons of yucky chemicals (as most things do… especially things that work.)

“Wait,” I said. “Can I just look at the ingredients here?” Why was Spenser still being so patient? The Xanax in the vents? I needed Spenser to get restless and say he wanted to go.  “And wait… how do you apply it all?”I asked, realizing I didn’t remember anything he had said while he was stroking my face..

“Of course. Here.” He turned the box around and showed me all I wanted to know. He wrote the directions for use on stickers and stuck them to the box. I didn’t recognized too much on the label. I did read the word Persian. Could this skin care line be Persian? Was handsome eye cream man Persian? And, I’ve seen a lot of Persian women with beautiful skin….

Was I being naive? Stupid rash? Yes! This was insane! I usually research and compare things like this. I don’t impulse shop anymore! I’ve never heard of this brand! I have no idea what it is!

I can’t buy this!

“I want you to have this and be my calling card.  I want you to have this at my cost and you can tell people how much you love it and have them come to me…  Cash or credit?”

I handed him my credit card, without too much pain.  Was this how all victims of cons felt; almost happy to give there money over? It was only $200 of impulse buy. Only $200 of being totally taken in by an expert salesman. It could have been $800. Someone else paid $800… unless that receipt in the drawer was fake too! He did reach for it so quickly and easily.

OK, maybe not totally taken in. I mean I KNOW it was ALL an act. All of it… even the have this at my cost part. Even the Wows and the moment of being moved by my being a single mom. All an act. Right?

When I got home, as Spenser played with his Valentines day gifts (I spent $36) I convinced  myself that my crows feet had diminished. I started to Google search the eye creams to find out what this stuff really was all about…  and then I stopped.

I don’t want to know.

And that’s why I’m not going to tell you guys what it’s called. I don’t want you to tell me stuff you’ve heard or looked up.

I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know if I got ripped off (even saving $600) or if this stuff is a chemical wasteland or what. It was my special, weird little afternoon binge, that I will use and live with.

It’s like when you eat the cheese cake, you don’t want to know how many calories were in it.


It’s like when you stay up late doing something fantastic, you don’t really want to know what time you actually went to bed.

It’s like when you have sex with someone and then find out they had an STD, you don’t really want to know what disease it is… OK, well, in that case, you do want to know because you need to get treated immediately. But…

I’m going to choose to believe that I bought something good. I choose to believe that my handsome eye cream man really gave me a good deal because I was a single mom and because he was WOWed by me. After all, why wouldn’t he be?



The best Valentine’s Days for me were as a child.

Those days, Valentines days were about getting paper cards signed by friends, in a paper bag you spent an hour of school decorating with red construction paper, sequins and doilies.

I remember my mom making me give a valentine to EVERYONE in my class… even the kids I didn’t like so much… on those I’d write “from Evie” and on others, I’d write more and even say “LOVE Evie.” Coming home with a full bag was exciting… especially if candy was a part of it.

It took almost as long to savor the Valentine bag at home as it did to sort through my Halloween candy.

My mom always gave us a gift too… one year, personalized stationary! One year, a cute outfit!

In 6th grade, the boy I was “going with” gave me a small box of See’s candy in a heart box. Going together for me was not much more than a public declaration that our hormones were kicking in and there was a small mutual attraction… so the box of candy (probably a result of an over excited mother) made me deeply embarrassed and I hid it in my underwear drawer, then when it was discovered, I gave the box to my parents and didn’t eat one chocolate.

As I got older, Valentines Day really remained a holiday about gifts from my mom and an excuse to wear cute heart pins and hair ribbons in addition to  my dull school uniform.

This was also the time I observed what the world said about Valentines Day… that men needed to present flowers and jewelry and take women out for nice meals. I dreamed about what that might be like… I thought is was the recipie for happiness and feeling special. It had to be. I mean, everyone made such a big fuss over the romance of it all.

My next experience with a Valentines gift from a guy was when I was 18. I was in an improv class and a really old guy (maybe 32) gave me a rose from a gas station. I was grossed out.

In the next 25 years or so, I spent most Valentine’s Days single – often having dinner with friends in a mock angry at love celebration, but really having fun. But I never really cared too much…. was that a defense?

The years I did have a boyfriend on Valentines Day were for the most part disappointing. There were some cards, some flowers and even a couple of gifts (the time I got a big teddy bear at age 36, I admit, I was pretty bummed.) Mostly, I realized that all the expressions of love I’d wanted so much when I was a teen, didn’t make me feel more happy or loved. Whatever wasn’t right in a relationship before Valentines Day wasn’t solved by earrings… nor did a nice bouquet make me feel more special when I already felt loved.

To me, Valentine’s Day is about childhood. It’s about the old Van DeCamps (?) heart sugar cookies with red sprinkles. It’s about the paper bag of cards made by friends and about a special gift from my mom.

Last year, I gave Spenser an Elmo heart balloon.

He will probably have some heart shaped cookies today, my sister has a gift for him and I’m sure I’ll get him a little gift. I want this day to be sweet and fun… no pressure though.

I did this for breakfast (which to say was unappreciated is an understatement):


I wonder what I’ll teach him about Valentines Day in the future. Right now it’s about a mother’s love. Then it will be about fun friendship. But as an adult, do I really want him to feel that he has to keep up with all of the commercials? I don’t want him to be that guy who says to his love (as once happened to me) “I don’t believe in Valentine’s Day” and then not do or give anything? That was a great one.

Well… I don’t have to worry about that this year :)

So, for now….


Happy Valentine’s Day

Posted in DATING, MOM STUFF, SOLO STUFF | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments