I know it sounds crazy, but I got up at 5am to bake cookies for my first insemination with Dr. X.

They were M&M chocolate chip.

Our first meeting hadn’t gone so well, so I was trying to make a good second impression. I wanted to be known as the awesome patient who made us cookies rather than the emotional patient who cries all the time.

I waited in the lobby of The Fancy Clinic for an hour before I was shown into an exam room where I waited another half hour. It is possible that the long wait was due to the sperm defrosting process. I had been told that it takes an hour… but I had called ahead. Anyway…

Eventually, Dr. X and Linda walked into the room with quick hellos. Dr. X reviewed the results from the sperm wash (Sperm washing is the process in which individual sperms are separated from the seminal fluid. The sperms are then used in IUI or IVF.) “You know, if this doesn’t take, you really should do IVF,” he said, not even looking at me.

“I know,” I replied, thinking of the $20,000 he wanted me to spend. “Because I’m old.”

“Well if you’re old then I’m old,” Dr. X answered. “Because we’re the same age.”

Was that his attempt at good bedside manner? It was kind of an eew for me. I guess if I liked him better I wouldn’t mind him saying that, but don’t share your personal stuff with me right now. Yeah, he still made my skin crawl, but I reminded myself that he was the best.

Dr. X grabbed the catheter off a sterile, silver tray and lifted up the paper cloth that was across my lap. He put his head all the way under it, so that it was just his head and my crotch under the paper tent. It was really unnerving. Why was he up so close in there?

I was laying back, looking at the ceiling trying not to think about this unpleasant person with his nose in my most private spot when all of a sudden, Dr. X spoke. His words echoed as they bounced off the thin cloth on my lap, “Mmmmm, it smells good in here!”

EWWW!!!   WHAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I shuddered and almost pulled my legs off of the table.

How can he say something like that to me!!!!!!????? My face got hot and red. I looked at Linda and then…..  I remembered the cookies. The hot cookies I had baked that morning had made the room smell like a bakery.

Oh my god.

I supressed a nervous laugh and looked at Linda who was avoiding my gaze. In fact, she seemed to be checked out of the situation entirely. Dr. X continued his work up my snatch and was hoping Linda would at least give me a smile. She gave me nothing. Didn’t she hear him? What was wrong with these people???

When Dr. X was done, I pointed to the bag in the corner. “I made you some cookies,” I said, horrified to be referring to the good smell.

He selected a cookie out of the bag and took a big bite. “Thanks. I have a big sweet tooth.”

When he left the room, he was smiling and eating my cookie.

I inadvertently squeezed my legs together.

Linda stopped at my side, to give me instructions. “Lay here for about ten minutes and then you can go.”

“OK,” I said. I had brought a book.

“You should time it yourself,” she told me, “there’s no one here to keep track.”

I wasn’t suprised. “Oh also, Linda, Dr. X said that you would give me some names of other single moms who have been here.”

“Oh, OK,” Linda answered. “Sure, I’ll get you that.” She didn’t right anything down.

Linda paused and smiled strangely, “Normally, now I would tell the patient to go home and have intercourse, but…”

I stared at her. She stared back. We stared at each other for a few seconds. She laughed nervously and left the room.

I had a very hard time believing that this place had delt with other single moms to be. I also had a hard time understanding why this place had such a great reputation…. I thought it was a rundown circus.

About two weeks later I wasn’t pregnant.  Sadly, I wasn’t done with The Fancy Clinic.

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