My first insemination at The Fancy Clinic didn’t get me pregnant.

Dr. X was on my case to do IVF because I was 41.

Every time I went in for as test or appointment, I would have to stay on top of the technicians and nurses and keep asking “are you sure?” and “could you check that again?” Barbara never told anyone that Dan was now a known donor and so I told people myself… but the only person who ever asked was Henry in the blood lab.

I was exhausted from having to keep asking everyone to double check everything, let alone the emotional pressures of trying to get pregnant… as a single woman. I wanted to feel like I was in great hands. I wanted to trust my doctor and his staff….. but I didn’t at all.

The one positive thing that was happening was that I was now getting really strong. I was looking out for myself and I knew what I wanted. I was prepared to fight for myself and my needs.

I was an island; but a good sturdy one with lots of trees, resources and reward challenges… like on Survivor.

I complained to Linda a few times that I felt really alone and unsupported here. I told her that it was like I was a new patient every time I came in. I told her it felt like no one knew what they were doing – which was saying a lot because I wasn’t a fertility expert. I told her how Rolf yelled at Dan and how that was unacceptable.

Linda did a lot of batting her heavily eyeshadowed eyes and apologizing, “It won’t happen again. You are in good hands.”

I wanted to believe her so badly… But I didn’t belive her for a second. I’ll just get pregnant and get out of here, I kept telling myself.

It wasn’t till Dan was out of town the next time I was ovulating thatI realized that I was out of frozen sperm, in the lab. Dan said he thought maybe there was one left.  I didn’t think so but I decide to call the lab.

I called Henry and asked him if I had any frozen deposits for me.  Henry was gone about three minutes and then came back to the phone, “Yep! You have four left.”

“FOUR?” I yelled. Shocked. “No!”

“Yes,” he said. “There are four.”

“No.” I said,  “No way.”

“Yes!”  he said.

I spelled out my name and Dan’s name, slowly.

“I know,” he cut me off.  “I know you guys!”

This was upsetting. Henry was actually the only person there who I thought was helpful and usually really on top of things.

“No, Henry.  There aren’t four,” I told him again.

“There are!  I just checked.  I am telling you there are four,” Henry argued.

“I’m telling you there aren’t four, Henry.” I was angry now.  “Can you go look again, please?”

He sighed. “All right.  But I know you guys,” he said.

Henry was actually the only person there who did know us.  He knew that I was writing a children’s book.  He knew what tests we’d done and he knew what tests we need.  I never had to question Henry before.

After five minutes Henry came back to the phone. “OK,” he said, “Um, there’s one.”

I was silent for a few seconds. “Are you sure?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said softly. “Sorry, there’s one.”

“I kind of thought there’d be none,” I said. “But there’s one? For sure?”

“Yes,” he said, “For sure.”

“Because I’m going to do an insemination sometime this week… with that one.”

“Yes!” Henry said, “For sure, there’s one.”

I had to believe him.

photo credit: <a href=””>theinvisiblewombat</a> via <a href=””>photopin</a> < a href=””>cc</a>

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