“Caca!” Spenser sings out in a high pitch voice. He’s so proud of himself because he’s asking for a cracker.

“Yeah! Cracker!” I say back and quickly spread Trader Joe’s organic almond butter on an organic multi grain Trader Joe’s cracker.

Then he runs in his room and yells “Caca!” as he jumps into the unasembled Buggy Push Car that is now acting like one of those coin opperated rides, in front of the market.

A fire engine goes by. “Rrrrrrrrr,” he imatates the siren’s cry and jumps up to go get the Swiffer.  He runs around with the Swiffer, trying to hit it against things to make it go “ding,” which he says in lue of actually getting a ding.

“Shall I put out the buffet?” I say to him. Now that he’s so busy, I find he eats more if I just put food out and let him graze as he plays.

And of course, as I sit here writing this, I assume he’s engrossed with his activities just 10 feet away and then I see his little red head at my elbow, carrying my luke warm tea mug that I left in his reach. He is bringing me my tea! He hands it to me proudly and then patters back to the Swiffer. Tea is sploshed all over the floor.

It is 7am. A lot happens here early.

“Don’t you feel like you want someone to share all his cute moments with?” I’ve been asked…. because I’m a mom solo.

I enjoy all of these morning moments alone; sometimes snapping photos or video on my phone to share and sometimes just soaking in all his cuteness myself. There are times when I wish I could turn to someone and say, “can you believe him?” But even married or coupled parents don’t get to see every moment together. Especially if one or both work.

I love being his solo parent. I’m really lucky I’m getting to spend so much time alone with S, without distraction.

The truth is, NO, I don’t long for someone to turn to to say, “isn’t he cute?” I don’t feel alone in the least and I’m surprised by this. I thought I would miss having an ally. 

When I was trying to get pregnant, I was obsessed with finding other mom solos, I was obsessed with trying to make myself feel OK about being alone. When I was pregnant I pep talked myself when I thought I was missing out on the two parent family experience. When S was born, I mostly wished for a partner to carry groceries and transfer the car seat.

I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again: I feel like I’m in a relationship. I feel more love than I’ve ever felt. I feel happier than I’ve ever felt when I was in a relationship; maybe I just wasn’t in the right relationships or maybe now I’m just blissful and ecstatic. It doesn’t really matter. I’m not feeling like something is missing…. for the first time in my adult life, actually.

Oh, and Caca also means “quack quack.”