KEVIN…. A DATE

 I met Kevin on-line.

His photos were mostly ‘boudoir’ types – lying naked on a furry rug with his back and just the crescent of his ass showing; reminding me of the famous Burt Reynolds pose – but not. 

Kevin was cute. He wrote to me about how much he could tell we would like each other. He was a filmmaker and he really seemed to want to take me on a nice dinner date. I tried to tell him I don’t do dinner dates on the first meeting because I don’t believe in getting a free dinner  unless I really like the guy (yeah, I know, I’m so noble) and also because I think a first date should be escape-able.

Kevin was adamant that I wouldn’t regret it. He wanted to buy me a delicious dinner and also be such great company that I’d be thrilled to be spending a long evening with him.  

I agreed, mostly because there really is a part of my brain that seeks out dating disasters.

I wouldn’t let him pick me up – that was a first date rule I didn’t bend anymore (*the orthopedic surgeon date I will tell you about soon will explain. Remind me to tell it, you guys!)

Kevin and I met at a really nice sushi restaurant and we ordered lots of food.

“Do you like eel rolls?” he asked. “Do you like shrimp tempora rolls?”

I did. I like everything, pretty much. (I don’t like curry, but that’s not relevant right now.)

So we ordered a lot of everything. We ate, we had nice conversation. He was a bit showbizzy for my taste, but he was still cool. Then we ordered fried calamari and drank cold beer.

It was all pretty fun until he said:

“I’m sorry I’m fat.”

When someone says that, you have to reply, “You’re not fat.” You can’t just say, “It’s OK,” or, “well, yeah, what happened?”

But he was about 20 or 30 lbs. heavier than his sexy bearskin rug photos.  That’s not what you are supposed to do for online dating. You are supposed to put up photos that look like you.

*Actually, I always put up mediocre photos of myself, that way, when I showed up for the date the guys were really happy!! Brilliant??!!  It may have been a dumb approach, in hindsight…. anyway….

a mediocre photo of me that I used in on line dating

Kevin explained his weight gain, “I’ve just been editing my film and sitting at the computer all day and night eating. Sorry.”

“You look great,” I reassured him. I had noticed he was heavier than his photos, but whatever. I didn’t care, but I didn’t want to talk about it all night, for sure. He kept going.

“No, no, I don’t look great. But I will. Soon I’m gonna look like I did in my photos.”

“OK,” I said, feeling that I wouldn’t stick around long enough to see that.

We ordered more food and more beer. See. See how you can’t escape a dinner date?

As we stuffed our faces, Kevin talked a lot about how he was a really talented filmmaker.

Then we made out a little in the restaurant bathroom, because it was a private one and no one was waiting to use it. (don’t judge me!!)

I was ready to go home but Kevin convinced be to walk up the street to his favorite bar for another drink.

I may have mentioned before: when I’m on a date, I like to go on the ride – you learn a lot about the guy when you do what they want to do.  But you didn’t really like him, you may be thinking. Yeah, well….. sometimes I like the date experience more than I like the guy.

So I went on the Kevin ride and went to the bar for a drink. Actually, I had one drink and he had 5 screwdrivers. Maybe the weight gain wasn’t just about sitting all day? I’m just sayin.

I ended up driving his drunk, bearskin rug ass home.

Kevin called the next day to apologize and ask me to go to dinner with him again and he swore he wouldn’t drink. “I really like you,” he said, “I want to get to know you more.”

I’m not sure why I went, because I was pretty sure now that I wasn’t into him. But I said yes, I’d give him a second chance.

He wanted to take me to dinner and a movie.

As we ate dinner, he made an effort to show me again, how serous he was about not getting drunk by ordering an iced tea.  I was enjoying myself, but it wasn’t wiping the slate clean. I still remembered our sloppy first date. His phone rang. He answered it.  “It’s my roommate about the movie tickets,” he told me, explaining why he took the call at dinner. “My roommate got the tickets.”

BUT, his roommate didn’t just get the tickets… his roommate was joining us for the movie. AND, his roommate sat next to me and the roommate and I shared popcorn. I mean, if you are going on a ‘I’m sorry I got so drunk on our first date let me make it up to you on the second date’ date, don’t invite your roommate. Right? That was my last date with Kevin.

HOWEVER:

Years later, I got a call from Kevin!! He invited me to his movie premier, the one he had been working on when he gained all his weight. I was so curious, I went. Mostly I was shocked and impressed that he had saved my phone number.

When I got to the screening, I saw he was emaciated. He was also wearing dark sunglasses indoors. I felt like he saved my number all those years, just to show me he had dropped the weight.

“Hi,” I waved when I saw him. He was either ignoring me to be cool Hollywood guy or he didn’t see me because he was wearing dark sunglasses. Either way, my story of Kevin ends here.

Do you think I shlould have given Skinny Kevin another chance???

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