My babysitter flaked on me tonight.

I have mentioned before that I rarely ever want to go out. I never care about social plans where I have to leave Spenser. I’m quite happy to stay home and be near him. When people ask “don’t you need adult time?” I pretend I do but I really don’t. I feel like I talk to lots of adults… Like all the time. I’ve been around the block, You guys. I love to stay home with my boy.

but tonight, I wanted to go out.

I think about this as mom solo and wonder if I had a partner, would he stay home if the sitter cancelled? I have many friends who are married who don’t go out separately – if one parent can’t go, neither of them go. I also have friends who take turns staying home/ going out.  If I had a partner, I’d be in the ” take turns” camp for sure.

I’m out of town, visiting one of my best friends of 20 years who is playing Blanche in Streetcar Named Desire and I wanted to go to opening a few nights ago. I couldn’t get a sitter.

I  had one more chance to see her show and my babysitter flaked…. 3 hours before curtain!

I was upset and trying to scramble for a sitter. I called everyone I knew in town and got some referrals for sitters. After all the no’s came in, I texted a sitter of a friend’s friend. The sitter texted back simply, “what’s your address?”

Um, wait. This is weird. Just “what’s your address?” Like maybe I had asked some random burglar. I freaked out. “You are available?” I wrote.

“Yes. Do you want me to come?” The person-less babysitter texted. my mind raced. My gut hurt. I started to shallow breathe and cry a little.

I can’t do this. I can’t let someone I’ve never met, whose referrers I don’t even know, watch my child. 

“Hey, my friend is going to babysit. Sorry. Thanks.” I texted. I felt relief.

Maybe I would have felt differently if I had called this person on the phone instead of texted. Hearing a voice may have given me some assurance that this was someone I could trust. Or maybe it wouldn’t have.

I was really disappointed to miss this show, but I would have felt worse if I’d gone out and left S with someone I didn’t know and something went wrong.

I gave Spenser and extra long bath and read extra books and sang longer songs. I felt so good that I trusted my gut. Even though I’m sad I missed this night, I wanted to have, I got to be with my son. I got to be the kind of mother I want to be.