I found myself hiding in the stairwell. But to make it seem like I wasn’t hiding, I offered S another strawberry. He said “sure.” Good, that took up a minute. Then I offered him some water. I knew I was stalling until the other moms drove away. I just didn’t want S to know I was stalling.
I hated to admit it… I didn’t want the other moms to see my car.
I know! It’s so dumb!! It’s dumb, right?
I know that I don’t want to be friends with anyone who would care what kind of car I have… but we are talking about a first impression here.
You understand. Right?
When the new moms get to know me after a few weeks they will love me!! I tell myself. When they get to know Spenser, the kids will love him. We will fit in!
This is crazy. I’ve never been so nervous to meet people in my life! But… I’ve never been unconventional before. Choosing to become a single mom was a very easy choice for me, but it put me in a new category. I’ve always been… well, conventional. Very normal. And, what mom doesn’t want her child to fit in… I guess these feelings are normal – I’ve just never really had them before. I used to be so confidant.
Maybe they will see me as the cool artist who had a baby on her own and makes it work… somehow!
Maybe they will see me as someone who has followed her passion and made big choices.
Maybe I’ll be the hipster (I know, that’s pushing it) who couldn’t be bothered with things like cars or jewels – just because she doesn’t need them.
Maybe they will not even care about my car. Maybe they won’t even notice that I don’t have a Lexus SUV or a Mercedes station-wagon. Why do I even notice? (because I want that?)
I NEVER cared about my old car before I became a mom.
Clearly, all of these strange feeling coming up in me are about something else. They are about me. If I had a partner to share this with would I feel more confidant? Maybe. I don’t know. Would it be easier being the married mom with an old car? Ha!
As I try to make enough money to buy a new car (my car turns 13 in June) and pay my bills, I will also work on my self confidence.
I must remember how happy I am. My life is what I chose and I adore it. My car works and I’m lucky to have it. My son is amazing and I got to be a mom… without having a conventional family. Without a husband. I’m so lucky.
People like me for who I am, not what kind of car I drive. I will tell myself everyday.
Life is so funny. I guess I’d always hoped by the time I got to this point in my life, I’d be financially stable. I guess the car shame is about that.
ALSO – I’m going to try to give the new moms credit. I mean, I don’t know them either. So I’m judging that just because they have fancy cars, they are judgmental! Sorry, new moms, who don’t even know I blog!
Just be myself. Just be myself…. Why do I feel more nervous than I did in high school?
So sorry you are struggling. I think you need to find Moms that had kids on their own. They are around. Or just let it go if that is possible. Jealously is a hard nut to crack but now that you have faced it and said it out loud hopefully, you will relax into the wonderful person you are. You took your life into your own hands and Spencer is the gift that keeps on giving. Your Mom would be proud of you.
I drove my last car for 17 years. I was the only one of my peers to own a new car fresh out of college, and so for years it was perfectly fine. It was very very reliable, and eventually was even totally FREE because I’d paid it off, and I loved it! I actually took great pride in that. But then at a certain point in my career, I started to worry about being seen by my clients in it. They weren’t going to ask me about my pride in its being reliable and free. They were just going to wonder why I couldn’t afford a nicer (newer) car. And then they were going to question whether or not I was good at my job. So I found myself making sure to get to my office well ahead of any client so they wouldn’t see me in it. And that felt so weird. So! All of that is to say, I get it. It’s a very weird feeling. I stand in full support of whatever you need/want to do about it. xo
Thank you so much! YES!! That’s exactly the feeling! On one hand, I’m proud of my car being in such great shape and I’m so happy I’ve chosen not to work too much so I can stay home with my son… but…. there’s that feeling – will people think I’m not good at what I do/valuable. It’s a process. The bottom line is I’m so happy to be a mom and get to be home with my son as much as possible. That’s what I have to remember!!