I found myself hiding in the stairwell. But to make it seem like I wasn’t hiding, I offered S another strawberry. He said “sure.” Good, that took up a minute. Then I offered him some water. I knew I was stalling until the other moms drove away. I just didn’t want S to know I was stalling.
I hated to admit it… I didn’t want the other moms to see my car.
I know! It’s so dumb!! It’s dumb, right?
I know that I don’t want to be friends with anyone who would care what kind of car I have… but we are talking about a first impression here.
You understand. Right?
When the new moms get to know me after a few weeks they will love me!! I tell myself. When they get to know Spenser, the kids will love him. We will fit in!
This is crazy. I’ve never been so nervous to meet people in my life! But… I’ve never been unconventional before. Choosing to become a single mom was a very easy choice for me, but it put me in a new category. I’ve always been… well, conventional. Very normal. And, what mom doesn’t want her child to fit in… I guess these feelings are normal – I’ve just never really had them before. I used to be so confidant.
Maybe they will see me as the cool artist who had a baby on her own and makes it work… somehow!
Maybe they will see me as someone who has followed her passion and made big choices.
Maybe I’ll be the hipster (I know, that’s pushing it) who couldn’t be bothered with things like cars or jewels – just because she doesn’t need them.
Maybe they will not even care about my car. Maybe they won’t even notice that I don’t have a Lexus SUV or a Mercedes station-wagon. Why do I even notice? (because I want that?)
I NEVER cared about my old car before I became a mom.
Clearly, all of these strange feeling coming up in me are about something else. They are about me. If I had a partner to share this with would I feel more confidant? Maybe. I don’t know. Would it be easier being the married mom with an old car? Ha!
As I try to make enough money to buy a new car (my car turns 13 in June) and pay my bills, I will also work on my self confidence.
I must remember how happy I am. My life is what I chose and I adore it. My car works and I’m lucky to have it. My son is amazing and I got to be a mom… without having a conventional family. Without a husband. I’m so lucky.
People like me for who I am, not what kind of car I drive. I will tell myself everyday.
Life is so funny. I guess I’d always hoped by the time I got to this point in my life, I’d be financially stable. I guess the car shame is about that.
ALSO – I’m going to try to give the new moms credit. I mean, I don’t know them either. So I’m judging that just because they have fancy cars, they are judgmental! Sorry, new moms, who don’t even know I blog!
Just be myself. Just be myself…. Why do I feel more nervous than I did in high school?