For my 200th post I thought I’d write a little reflection piece…
Blogging here has allowed me to connect with other mom solos all over the world. At a time when I felt so alone and so scared (even though I was 100% sure I wanted to become a mom solo) I wish I had known these moms existed back when I was trying for my baby.
That’s why I felt the need to blog… to reach other mom solos and mom solos to be.
I think a lot about coupling. What is it? What does it mean and why don’t I crave it? Why, in all my years of dating, didn’t I fall in love or find the one. Did I even want to?
I feel so happy now, in this time of my life. Whenever I meet a 37 year old who is talking about going on another dreaded Match.com date, I can’t help myself, “Just have a baby!” I say, forgetting the emotional journey I took to rid myself of the conventional family ideas. “Forget the dating! Have the baby!”
And yet… maybe I shouldn’t give that advice. I see so many women find the one at age 40, 41, 42, 43, 44… and they are pregnant within the year. And then, I wonder. I’m not judging. Just wondering…. what is that relationship all about? Is it a better relationship since she is older and really knows what she wants? Is it a desperate time’s running out, this guy will do? Is it just a thank god I’m not going to be single and 40?
At age 38, you are looking for something so different then you were at age 28. And I think at 42, you are looking for something even more different… wanting a baby can do powerful things to a woman.
When I was 28, I wanted to marry the hottest, most fun guy I could possibly find and I wanted to take my time finding him – that guy who really deserved me. When I was 38, I just wanted to find a nice guy who wanted a family. I felt a nagging pit in my stomach every day I wasn’t on my way to baby makes 3.
I found myself dating three guys before I turned 40. One guy 15 years older, one my age and one 11 years younger! Here’s what they all had in common:
1. Unable to be intimate. Yes, I mean they all had sexual issues!!!
2. Unable to open up emotionally.
3. Very attractive. Charming. Had lots of friends. Great first few dates.
4. Substance abuse.
I realized I was desperate when I was obsessed with trying to make each one of these relationships work – even though they made me miserable. Should I keep waiting for the right guy? HOw long should I wait? one more year? Two, three? What if I get pregnant and then don’t go on that one special jdate? Should I really believe the people who say “don’t worry, you’ll find someone.” or “the right guy’s around the corner.” And then… it wasn’t until I really said to myself, if I don’t find true love, I WILL do this on my own, that I relaxed and let go.
So, this is why I just wonder… every time I see a 40, 41, 42, 43 year old woman find the love of her life, marry and have a baby, like all in a flash… I just wonder – what is it? Is it really the “Oh my God, we found each other and it’s true love, thank GOD I didn’t marry someone else when I was in my 30’s!” Or is is, “we both want the same things at the same time and we love each other and it’s gonna work” or is it “I NEVER would have given this guy a second look 20 years ago, but here we are, gonna make a family, with no time to spare.”
There was some funny quote from a movie or TV show… I can’t remember – if you know, tell me, but it was a bald, sort of average looking guy saying that he never dated much in college but as soon as he hit his 40’s he became hot property to all the still single women from school who never gave him a second look.
I just get so curious about these in the nick of time relationships. Because I didn’t have one.
I don’t know the answers and it doesn’t matter to me. I know I made the right choice for myself.