My name is Evie. I am a single mom by choice.
( main photo and this photo by http://www.maracaseyshoots.com/)
When I turned 40, I decided I wanted to have a baby, even though I was not in a relationship. I asked my best friend of 20 years, Dan, to father my child. Dan lives in another state and would not co parent, but would be a loving presence. After almost a year of inseminations with three different doctors, my son Spenser was born in March, 2011.
We live in Los Angeles. I am a writer/actor/producer, which means I’m often looking for the next job in a very competitive business. I am committed to giving my son the best life possible so financially, sometimes I have to get creative.
Over the years, I’ve had some boyfriends, many lascivious associations and hundreds of dates; I never found the one, or anyone I could imagine spending my life with and I feel good about my decision to be on my own.
Maybe someday I’ll find the person I want to be with. Maybe I won’t.
Either way, my life feels full.
Most of the time, I completely forget that I’m supposed to be in a relationship. Our society makes women feel badly about themselves for being single – like we’ve done something wrong or we aren’t whole.
The word single implies a piece missing and waiting for completion.
I prefer to think of myself not as single, but as SOLO:
Solo, like in music: an individual voice or instrument
Solo, like in action: to undertake a venture alone
Solo, like in Star Wars: “Han Solo is a loner who realizes the importance of being part of a group and helping for the common good.” ~George Lucas
After 20 years of terrible dating, unfulfilling relationships and an unwavering desire to be a mom, I asked my best friend, Dan (who happens to be gay) for sperm and I began my pursuit of being a 41 year old, solo, new mother.
Even though I knew I wanted to have a baby on my own, it was incredibly difficult to let go of what I thought my life was going to be and jump into a life I knew nothing about. I had no role models or solo mom friends to give me reassurance that what I was doing would work. This is why I feel that it is important for me to share my experience.
Here’s a little fact for you- according to the US Census 2010: About 39 percent of births in 2010 were to single, separated or divorced women. And almost 10 million single mothers were living with children younger than 18.
I’m grateful that I made the best decision of my life, to be a mom, even though it was the unconventional path. I want to share my stories, hardships and rewards and I hope I can help women who are thinking of becoming Mom Solos.
Just found your blog!! I love your sense of humor!
Thank you so much! I’m so glad you are enjoying! I look forward to your comments!
I just stumbled upon your blog and I was pleased to find it. I am 35-years-old, also “solo”, and I recently became a single mother by choice. I have always wanted to be a mother (even more than I ever wanted to get married) and, in my life of teaching and traveling, that just hadn’t happened yet. But, in an AMAZING turn of events, about a year ago a co-worker told me about her niece who is somewhat delayed and ended up getting pregnant . . . in knowing me and my love for children, my co-worker told her niece about me when the option of adoption was discussed and, after meeting, this girl decided that she wanted for me to adopt her baby at birth. I was able to go to all of the doctor’s appoinments and sonograms and, five months later my beautiful daughter Annabelle was born. I actually got to be there for her birth, cut the cord, and stay with Annabelle and her birth mother until they were released from the hospital! Annabelle is now 6-months old and she actually even really looks like me . . . being a Mommy has given me so much joy! 🙂 And I can relate to this “stigma” and this concept of not being “whole” or “complete” that society seems to place upon single people . . . it drives me nuts! And I can honestly say that I am HAPPY, especially now that I have Annabelle in my life!
What an amazing story, Chantel! I’m so happy for you and your daughter! Thank you for sharing with me – beautiful. I’m happy you found me!
Hi, I just discovered your blog and thought I would say hello. Very similar situation here, (http://www.ablissfullife.co.uk/p/the-story-so-far.html) though luckily BB’s Dad doesn’t live quite so far away, so he gets to see him often. There is definitely something innate that tells them this is Dad though – BB has had that since birth! Look forward to reading more about you guys!
Thank you for reaching out! So happy we can share some similar happy experiences!!
Great blog post Evie. And your writing style is very engaging, I particularly like the breast feeding “beer-husband” class post : )
Keep up the good work chica. X
Thank you!! Wishing you lots of luck!!
Hi there. So I stalked your blog last night, reading about your dating bloopers and inseminating process … by midnight I MADE myself put the iPad down and put my mouth guard in. (Eight clients today (I’m a therapist) and so far, so good.) Anyway, your blog is becoming a huge bonus in my new and unforeseen journey, so THANK YOU! Reading about your situation with the fertility clinic made me cry. (But everything tends to make me cry these days.) I’m so hopeful in my own journey that it will be easy, pregnancy will be a no-brainer, and I’ll get on with it. Anyway, thank you for your humanness with it all. So much resonates! I’m following your lead, my new virtual friend. 🙂
This is the reason I decided to blog! Thank you! I think the most important thing I learned about my Fancy Clinic experience is that finding the right doctor is very important. I didn’t follow my instincts.
You are not alone on this journey! And someday soon, when you are a mama you will look back on these days and be so grateful that you pushed forward, in spite of the fear.
I am not sure how it took me so long to find you again! Glad I could get caught up 🙂
eeks! I feel like that made me sound like a stalker! When I switched hosts, I lost all the blogs I followed and had to re-find them. Not a stalker.
Ha! I’m happy you found me again!! Thank you for reading and commenting!!
Hi, thanks for stopping by and liking my posts! I love your blog and find it a great inspiration for all single moms! 😀
You made a great choice 🙂
I am 30 and seriously considering the process of becoming a choice mom. Similar to you, I don’t have a relationship or see one arriving any time in the near future – I do of course want one, but I also want to be a mommy. I’m pursuing foster care right now, but I know I will want one of my own.
How did you go about asking your donor friend? I’ve broached the topic with a few of my guy friends but their reactions make me not want to ask at all.
HI Caet, I’m so excited for you! foster care is such a beautiful way to go – there are so many children in need. I have 2 friends who have amazing children from a foster to adopt program.
With my son’s dad, it was just something we’d always talked about being a possibility. We’ve been best friends for so many years and we just always talked about it.
Follow your instincts on this – if you feel like their reactions turn you off, then there is probably a good reason. It’s a tough one. I have a friend who asked a few friends and until she found a guy who said yes – and now 4 or so years later it isn’t going well.
I know 2 other women who asked old friends who said yes and I believe things are going well….
If Dan hadn’t wanted to do this I would have used a donor.
My name is Anuj Agarwal. I’m Founder of Feedspot.
I would like to personally congratulate you as your blog MOM SOLO has been selected by our panelist as one of the Top 100 Single Mom Blogs on the web.
I personally give you a high-five and want to thank you for your contribution to this world. This is the most comprehensive list of Top 100 Single Mom Blogs on the internet and I’m honored to have you as part of this!
Also, you have the honor of displaying the badge on your blog.
Thank you so much! Such an honor!