I did something really embarrassing.

In your early 20’s you can do things like show up in a tight dress to the bar where the guy who just dumped you bartends and pretend that you aren’t there to see him. You can convince yourself that even though the guy dumped you, it’s because he likes you too much. And you can justify throwing a surprise birthday party for the guy who just dumped you, even though you have to beg and beg him to let you “take him to lunch” for his birthday gift.

Yes. I did that. I arranged a birthday lunch with Chris, a guy I had dated for a few months, who I was still hung up on and when he came over to my house to meet me for lunch, I had a group of his friends waiting to say “SURPRISE,” a make your own taco bar and a piñata. They weren’t even his closest friends… they were more the friends I knew who knew him.

It was pretty clear I had put a lot of work into the party; cooking food, inviting lots of people, filling up the piñata. And, in hindsight, it was pretty clear Chris was uncomfortable.

Chris was nice and gracious and after about 90 minutes, had to leave to go wherever he was going. Maybe even to see the girl (I found out later) he was dating.

I remember thinking the party was a success, but a after a few yeas had matured me, I realized that party was all about me and my attempt to be a part of Chris’s life again. He had been someone I em>really liked. To this day I think there were things about him that I still compare others to.

Twenty years later, I still cringe a little thinking about how I forced this party on him. Who wants to be the girl who chases the guy who doesn’t want her?
The funny thing is that in my 20’s I really didn’t get that Chris wasn’t still coming back to me. I had a lot of bold self confidence – not quite enough to be on a reality show (though I did almost apply to be on the Real World Los Angeles and then tore up my application because I was sure I’d get on the show (so much self confidence) and I didn’t want to subject my friends and family to all of that exposure.)

I am trying to dig up a few photos from Chris’s party.