My new piece on Esme
I’m so exited to be a contributing writer for the solo mom website: Esme
PS I won a blogging award from Feedspot and I’m having trouble posting my award badge (see right) Anyone know what I’m doing wrong???
Hello Mom Solo friends!!
I know! It’s been a while… How are you???
I haven’t been blogging here, but I’ve been writing!
Please check out my latest article for Esme and be sure to give it a like (if you like it!!)
Thank you!
This is your first of many graduation days.
Change is hard. It’s hard to leave and say goodbyes and hard to know that nothing will be the same. We always hope for the next step to be even better than the one we left – but as a woman who has lived a while, I will tell you that sometimes it is not.
I’ve tried to cherish every moment of your preschool. I’ve forsaken most of everything to be there. I’ve turned down auditions and jobs. I’ve learned how to stretch a dollar and a credit card to be able to see your growth and your innocence. I’ve read hundreds of picture books, found homes for countless art projects, photographed field trips and enrichment days, friendships, hugs and the sweet life of shapes on the carpet.
I’ve made preschool my home too. This preschool. This one. The one I’ve waited twelve years to be a part of.
I don’t want to leave either.
I want to stay in the world where we are apart no more than three or four hours. I want to stay where you can choose between a pattern or a rhyme.
I want your hands to stay plump and dimpled.
I want you to always run to me shouting “mama!” And I even want you to always say “mama, I don’t want you to go.”
I want your problems to always be resolved by holding hands, sharing what happened and how it made you feel, then asking how the other person felt and letting the apologies come easy. Accepting them easily. Forgiving.
You will grow and take steps further away from me, slowly but surely. I want to scream and dig in my heels and keep you in preschool always; safely gardening, painting, singing, playing in the sandbox and hugging friends.
The real world is cruel. These days, the world is sad.
Please let us stay in preschool. Please let us have the simplicity of free choice, circle time and outside time. Please let our biggest confusion always be how to cope with a backwards day.
I will try to let go. I will try to embrace change, for no other reason than I must set a good example. Well, and also because I have to. Time will go on.
I don’t know what the future will bring, but I will always hold these days as golden bliss.
I found a lovely drawing in Spense’s school bag; a girl and boy holding hands with hearts all around them.
“This is so sweet, Spense. Who is it from?”
“Oh, I don’t want that any more.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s from Ellie. And I breaked up with her.”
“Why did you break up with her?”
“Because Sam is back. And he’s my best friend.”
Sam had been out of town for a while.
“So you can’t have a best friend and a wife? Or just two friends? That seems silly because actually you have so many friends.”
He just shook his head.
“You didn’t tell Ellie you broke up with her, did you?”
“No.”
“Because that would hurt her feelings.”
Suddenly, I flashed to Spense as a man, stringing along all these women because he remembered his dear mom’s words, don’t break up with them because that will hurt their feelings…
I quickly added, “You don’t need to break up with them when you are in preschool. But when you are older it’s different. Okay?”
“Okay.” he answered.
Am I giving him too much to think about? Am I raising a player? I’m I giving my 5 year old the wrong advice? Should I just let him break up his marriages whenever he wants?
I remember all the guys I ghosted in my day. Such an asshole move, but then again, it’s not like I was in preschool with them every day; they were mostly superficial relationships from Nerve.com or Jdate – like the guy who lived in a garage and when you had to go to the bathroom, you had to go into his landlord’s house. Or the guy who used an open sleeping bag as a comforter. Or even Simply Fred.
I just don’t see the need for Spense to go around breaking up when he’s 5 and there’s nothing really distinguishing the difference between friend and more than friend anyway… right? I mean, is there??
I guess I do have early memories of crushes as early as preschool, a boy named Adam I remember I wanted to marry. And in kindergarten a boy named Christopher Muggelbee kissed me at circle time – blood rushed to my face, my stomach fluttered and heat filled my body – reaction that I still get when I’m attracted to someone. So was that the case? Was I attracted to this 5 year old as a 5 year old?
I don’t know if I’m scarring him by telling him not to break up with his wives, but it feel like the right call for now.
Big Love.
S: Oh my penis!
Me: What happened? Did you bump into something?
S: My penis.
Me: But did you hurt your penis.
S: Yes, right here. (he points to his penis)
Me: where did you bump it?
S: Right here. (He points to his penis.)
Me: Yes, but what did you bump it on?
S: Here. (he points to his penis)
Me: But did you bump it on the wall here (I point to the door frame he’d just walked by) or something else?
S: I bumped it here (He points to his penis.)
***
Me: When did you last go to the bath room?
S: What do you mean?
Me: I mean, was the last time you went to the bathroom?
S: What do you mean?
Me: I’m trying to figure out when you went to the bathroom today.
S: Ummm, today.
Me: I know, I mean when.
S: What do you mean?
Me: Did you last go to the bathroom; today before school or during school?
S: Today.
Me: But when?
S: What do you mean?
***
Me: Do you have to go to the bathroom?
S: No, I just like touching my penis.
***
These are a few conversations…..
I will miss when he’s older… xox
For the last six years, I’ve only had a few crushes. And when I have them, it feels weird. It feels like taking love and energy away from being a mom. From my boy.
It makes me wonder about how conventional family moms split their love. They have to allow time and space for mom love and romantic love. I think that’s more of a skill than we realize.
I have it easy. I only have to give my love to one person in my family. One kind of love to one little heart.
But as my boy gets older, I wonder… can I do it? Am I ready to let in a crush or more? I’m not that single available woman I was for so long. But maybe that’s good.
Any mom solos want to share with me how that transition went for them?
I’m very excited to share my interview on Atomic Moms Podcast!
If you’ve never heard this podcast, you are in for a treat! Incredible, strong moms share their lives and philosophies. I think that after you listen to my interview ( 🙂 ) you will love going through previous podcasts and learning so many amazing things….
If you go down the list of past guests, you will see, I’m in AMAZING company here. So excited and honored to be a part of it!
“Mom Solo” Evie Peck was nearing forty when she decided to start a family on her own. She discusses her choice to become a single mother with host Ellie Knaus and mom-friend-Bridget-Moloney-Sinclair. They chat about the unique challenges and upsides of parenting solo, societal assumptions, and how we are redefining family in the 21st century.”
You can listen here: http://www.atomicmoms.com/
OR
Click here for the iTunes page to listen to this Podcast for free
Here’s one beautiful tip I learned on a previous Atomic Moms Podcast: allow at least 5 minutes a day for completely unplanned, unstructured time with your child. Spense and I usually end up laughing our heads off as 5 minutes turns into much longer…
photo by Mara Casey Shoots
A lot of people know how I got to be a Mom Solo. It’s no secret. I’m not shy about it.
When new acquaintances ask, “do you mind if I ask how…” I always explain.
But it’s weird when I have a brief encounter – like today- buying a karate gee for Spense… I mentioned Spense’s dad, and the merchant made a sad face and whispered, “Are you separated?”
“No!” I laughed, “We are best friends.”
I realized that didn’t explain anything and I didn’t really need to. I don’t have to give all the details to everyone.
I was trying to think of a quick, low effort way to accurately describe us; we were never married and we are best friends is pretty good. They could still assume we are in a romantic relationship… but who cares.
I guess I could always just say, “Go read my blog.”
Spense got a Thor doll from my friend Nancy. I lost his hammer.
Well, here’s what happened – we were getting out of the car and I was holding 4 bags, juggling keys and almost empty cans of seltzer water to recycle when Spense said, “Mom, hold this,” and slipped the hammer into my hand. I remember thinking the addition of that tiny hammer was making all the carrying so much harder. I remember putting that hammer somewhere and feeling a large sense of relief that my fingers were less encumbered. But I don’t remember where I put that little weapon that is Thor’s identity – his everything.
I should have told Spense I couldn’t hold one more thing – even such a tiny thing. I had reached my limit. Hard for me to admit.
Now that Spense is 5, I have started to give him more responsibility. Telling him to hold his own hammer would have been a good idea.I’m so used to doing everything, as a mom solo. I can hold it all, carry it all, take it all…. maybe this is why I can’t sleep lately?
2017 Feedspot Top Single Mom Blog Award
MOM SOLO 